F.E.A.R

FearQuestion

I honestly can’t remember the last time that I wrote in my blog.  I guess if I wasn’t lazy, I would just look at the time and date stamp on my last post but that would take too much time and effort … maybe that is yet another reason that I am in the current predicament that I am in.  I say this as I listen to Jim Gaffigan’s station on Pandora, because I need a laugh or two, right about now.  And this is what usually happens; I try to distract myself from the tough, life choices by listening to comedians talk about their shitty lives that make others laugh.  I sit here wondering what my next step is.

I currently am on “Summer Vacation” , which means that I am preparing lesson plans, power points and other classroom activities while trying to study for my certification exams and from time to time trying to be the “best husband” and the “best father” that I can be.  All these activities and I cannot stay focused to save my life.  I am also trying to work out without pain but more on that later.

As I said before, I have been doing a lot of things lately to distract myself from bettering myself and I wonder which definition I am really following sometimes.  I am (simply put) an overweight, school teacher, that is trying his best to get through each and every day with FEAR.  But there are 2 different definitions of the word FEAR.

Fear-has-two-meaning-forget-everything-and-run-or-face-everything-and-rise-the-choice-is-yours

I am afraid of many things right now:

  1. Life changes
  2. Family health issues
  3. Health issues of my own
  4. Job” fun”

 

In no particular order and promising not to cover all numbers due to some situations getting too real or far too personal:

  1. Family health issues – It has been a while and I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned that my wife is a cancer survivor but there you go. She has been fighting this horrible disease for years and that fucking word “terminal” is now attached to her cancer. I, like many of our friends and family, pray for her and our family almost every day.  I stand there in awe with the amount of treatments and pain that she goes through and feel useless because I can’t do anything to help take away the pain.  Her good days probably 10 – 100 times worse than your worst days but she is still able to produce a smile, laugh at my dumb jokes and even tear into the occasional dumbass that decides to make an off comment about her loss of hair.  My wife says that I am a “fixer” and I end up beating myself up more because I can’t do more for her.  I would love to have that creepy power that the inmate had in the Green Mile, so that I could absorb her cancer and spit it out into the darkness like little flies that burn into nothingness but this isn’t Hollywood and yet again … I have stepped out or the real world to try and entertain myself.
  2. My Own Health Issues – As I said before, I am an overweight teacher. I am also a new member of the 40 year old club and that my friends, according to the trainer at the gym, are another reason that my health issues will be harder to correct. I have a laundry list of health issues that range from high blood pressure to herniated disks in my lower back to cracked knee cap to my body NOT producing vitamin B or enough oxygen to keep itself upright.  So with all that going for me … aren’t I a catch (pause for the crickets and wait for my wife to read this and come punch me in the arm)? This summer I have been doing my best to swim, ride bikes with one wheel, walk on treadmills and lift an ass load of weights (not including my own) but have nothing but gain 10 pounds.

gym diet

That would be the opposite of success if you weren’t following along.

I even started taking testosterone shots to hopefully help with the muscle recovery and weight loss but all that it has done so far is make me about 100 times moodier (if that’s a word) and making me really emotional (crying at old movies and crap like that).  Not really sure what I was expecting from these shots but the last time I checked, testosterone is supposed to be a good thing for men not making me find my corner in the bedroom and contemplating why the universe exists.

I have been looking at everything that is going on with those awesome glasses that allow me to look into the past and be an awesome “Monday morning quarterback” and have come to the understanding that (wait for it) getting sick or needing medical healthcare is expensive as all get out.  I actually looked up the procedure for selling my nuts to pay for some of these medical bills but found out that they don’t pay for your nuts … they consider them a DONATION.

negotiating-hospital-bills

But bills are bills and medical bills are insane.  No joke.  I went to the doctor for our son to get a checkup and the lady at the counter actually said this, “If it is just a checkup, it will be $35 but if the doctor prescribes anything or says that he needs a shot, the visit will now be anywhere from $195 to $450…is that okay?”  Can you guess what I said?  I fucking walked out and will be patiently waiting for his yearly physical.

What’s the next step?

I don’t know but if any of you win the lottery … I can help prove that money can buy happiness just by accepting a generous donation that could possibly payoff either my student loans or our medical bills.

Check ya later!!!

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